Monday, April 30, 2007

Spring

It’s springtime again and all my anxieties seem to have come back to life to haunt and torment me. I have not been able to sleep well for the last couple of weeks. Have recently begun to sleep curled into a ball again – I fall asleep in this position and wake up in the same, foetus position in the morning. Strangely enough, I have discovered myself almost relieved if I can keep a little light on, in an adjacent room during the night, as if I was afraid of something. I have never really been afraid of dark – was quite a good little girl after the age of two.

I feel strange, ill at ease. I wonder if it’s just spring. Can I blame it on the spring? When I try to closer analyse it, I realise that I can’t really put my finger on it. It’s melancholy, apprehension, yearning, guilt. I have been a bad wife, daughter, friend for quite a while now – it’s a miracle people still contact me. Have been concentrating on work, travelling like crazy and trying not to delve too deep into serious thoughts.

As part of my efforts to refrain from cutting myself off completely from the rest of the world during my free time, I met M on Saturday and we went together to see a movie – “Perfect Stranger” with Bruce Willis and Halle Berry. A psychological thriller, quite entertaining actually. We parted with the promise to repeat the outing soon.

Yesterday I spent more or less the entire day reading – whiling away the long Sunday hours ensconced in my bedroom, with my book, a couple of my favourite cornets a la crème to keep me company. And, of course, lots of Turkish coffee.

It seems to have been a great weekend, at a first glance. But appearances can’t fool me any longer - it’s time for the big questions. Hard, difficult questions – where will I be next year, what do I really want to do with my life, where do I want to live? Why can’t I start writing my book yet? Why can’t I just dismiss these thoughts? I could be happy, even if only for a day. Tempting.

This sort of questions were hanging about in my mind last night, almost making me believe it was going to be yet another sleepless night, searching for answers and decipher them one by one. Luckily enough, or not, I was in the Land of Nod before finding answers to them all.

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