Trip to Edinburgh
So many things have happened, as I said earlier. I am going through a very tumultuous and intense period of my life. I am making a new way in life, I am trying out new things, new people even, new ideas. I am learning and developing and hoping to improve from all points of view. It's hard but also refreshing.
The road is peppered by ups and downs, moments of dreadful sadness and introspection but also moments of laughter and hope and serenity.
Right now I'm looking forward to my first proper holiday in two years. I have decided to go to Edinburgh, of all places, with a friend from back home. The stay will be short and, I hope, refreshing and invigorating. There is another friend that I'll meet there, someone who lives locally without actually being a Scot. He's English and am very curious about him, in no romantic way but just as a person. It'll be good to be able to put a face to a person who has been 'there' for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on (well, metaphorically speaking). And he's very keen on meeting me but I'll have to make sure there is no misunderstanding as to the nature of our relationship, from the very beginning. I don't want any more broken hearts around me.
Looking for trips to places around Edinburgh and things to do while we are there. There are endless possibilities, of course, and I actually enjoy the fact that I have been to Edinburgh a couple of times already, I'm no stranger to the city and know my way about the place. It's very reassuring. I find myself so very excited about this little trip - which only goes to show how very little we need to be pleased or even happy in life. It's just like it was when I was little and, as my parents were not rich, I didn't have a lot of toys but I was absolutely happy to play with a branch or a shrub, pretending it was one of the characters of my imagination.
So, anyway, I intend to write often from now on - about the journey to Edinburgh and, generally, about the journey to discovering the new me.
Monday, October 03, 2011
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Blogging again
I've happened upon my old blog and I think I'm again in the mood to write. So many things have happened, so much to write about, I don't even know where to begin.
I'm also pondering on whether to close this blog down and start another one, with limited and controlled access. It seems like a good idea, I'll think about it.
So many changes in the blogging world, I'm pleased to see ...
I've happened upon my old blog and I think I'm again in the mood to write. So many things have happened, so much to write about, I don't even know where to begin.
I'm also pondering on whether to close this blog down and start another one, with limited and controlled access. It seems like a good idea, I'll think about it.
So many changes in the blogging world, I'm pleased to see ...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
On death and mourning minds ...
I almost find it hard to believe that my last entry on this blog is dated October 2007! Almost one year older and perhaps none the wiser!
Many things have happened in this interval, many questions were asked, many remained unanswered and, in the midst of everything, life just went on, undisturbed.
Without intending to give a detailed account of all the happenings in this period, I will just say that I have been obsessed with death lately.
It has been a sad period – two young women died – I lost a friend and someone whose disappearance saddened me terribly even though we had never been particularly close. The friend that died – I will name her M – had suffered for some time from breast cancer. She had a 6 year old daughter and was a single mother. Her whole life was a chain of misfortunes and her parents outlived her. Her daughter has been left in the care of the grandparents but these are hardly fit, in my opinion, to look after and provide for such a young child. The generation gap is too large, in this case, and it might turn out to have negative consequences for the child.
The other person that died, I will call her F, had two children – an 8 year old daughter and a 1 year old son and she died instantaneously in a car accident. Her car was hit by a truck and she just didn’t make it to the hospital or even to the moment when the ambulance showed up. Her children were left with their father.
Both deaths produced a very strong impression on me. I still have all M’s emails, from the time of her illness, emails in which she was describing her suffering, her hopes, her disappointments. Right up until the end, I think she strongly believed she would defeat the illness and escape death. And we, as her friends, fervently wanted to believe that too. But, deep down inside, everybody knew the truth.
My first and most overwhelming feeling I had, when I heard the awful news, was a strong disbelief. I simply could not bring myself to believe that they are no more. Even now, when I want to send a group email to my friends or to forward a joke, M’s email address pops up in the address field and I realise, over and over again, that I cannot contact her anymore. It is one of the strangest feelings I have ever had. It’s like they are no longer with us, they are in another world, maybe still here, invisible creatures looking at us.
Strange is that my 17 year old cat died sometime in April (or was it May? god, I can't even remember!). Coincidence, a really dark year. I loved this cat so much, even though she did not live with me for the last few years – I had to move her to my parents’ due to circumstances that prevented me from having her, as well as due to the amount of travel I am bound to undertake for my job. She was a family member and was loved by everybody. I dream about her quite often and wake up with a yearning to pet her silky hair, feel the wetness and coolness of her little muzzle, hear her ‘talk’ to me, see her follow me around in the house.
And then my thoughts drift away and I start thinking about my own death and wonder whether I am afraid of it or not, whether I am prepared for it or not. If I were to die tomorrow, would I be reconciled with the idea? Some may be of the opinion that nobody is prepared for that – ever. Maybe, maybe not. I think that one gradually learns to live with and accept the idea – especially as one grows older. Some old people even long to die – I have often heard my grandfather wondering when he will be re-united with my grandmother who died several years ago.
Yes, it definitely has been, as you see, a bleak period. Maybe it’s right and normal to ask all these questions. Or maybe I am just slowly going crazy. Maybe I will never know.
Many things have happened in this interval, many questions were asked, many remained unanswered and, in the midst of everything, life just went on, undisturbed.
Without intending to give a detailed account of all the happenings in this period, I will just say that I have been obsessed with death lately.
It has been a sad period – two young women died – I lost a friend and someone whose disappearance saddened me terribly even though we had never been particularly close. The friend that died – I will name her M – had suffered for some time from breast cancer. She had a 6 year old daughter and was a single mother. Her whole life was a chain of misfortunes and her parents outlived her. Her daughter has been left in the care of the grandparents but these are hardly fit, in my opinion, to look after and provide for such a young child. The generation gap is too large, in this case, and it might turn out to have negative consequences for the child.
The other person that died, I will call her F, had two children – an 8 year old daughter and a 1 year old son and she died instantaneously in a car accident. Her car was hit by a truck and she just didn’t make it to the hospital or even to the moment when the ambulance showed up. Her children were left with their father.
Both deaths produced a very strong impression on me. I still have all M’s emails, from the time of her illness, emails in which she was describing her suffering, her hopes, her disappointments. Right up until the end, I think she strongly believed she would defeat the illness and escape death. And we, as her friends, fervently wanted to believe that too. But, deep down inside, everybody knew the truth.
My first and most overwhelming feeling I had, when I heard the awful news, was a strong disbelief. I simply could not bring myself to believe that they are no more. Even now, when I want to send a group email to my friends or to forward a joke, M’s email address pops up in the address field and I realise, over and over again, that I cannot contact her anymore. It is one of the strangest feelings I have ever had. It’s like they are no longer with us, they are in another world, maybe still here, invisible creatures looking at us.
Strange is that my 17 year old cat died sometime in April (or was it May? god, I can't even remember!). Coincidence, a really dark year. I loved this cat so much, even though she did not live with me for the last few years – I had to move her to my parents’ due to circumstances that prevented me from having her, as well as due to the amount of travel I am bound to undertake for my job. She was a family member and was loved by everybody. I dream about her quite often and wake up with a yearning to pet her silky hair, feel the wetness and coolness of her little muzzle, hear her ‘talk’ to me, see her follow me around in the house.
And then my thoughts drift away and I start thinking about my own death and wonder whether I am afraid of it or not, whether I am prepared for it or not. If I were to die tomorrow, would I be reconciled with the idea? Some may be of the opinion that nobody is prepared for that – ever. Maybe, maybe not. I think that one gradually learns to live with and accept the idea – especially as one grows older. Some old people even long to die – I have often heard my grandfather wondering when he will be re-united with my grandmother who died several years ago.
Yes, it definitely has been, as you see, a bleak period. Maybe it’s right and normal to ask all these questions. Or maybe I am just slowly going crazy. Maybe I will never know.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The Cat is back!
Yes, The Cat is back and has lots of interesting little stories for you. With a slightly changed writing style (probably more cynicism and added bitterness but hopefully wittier), she hopes to be able to copiously entertain the (very) few poor mortals who still visit this page ...Lots of things have happened since my last post and I now realise that I even missed my blog's 1 year anniversary ... Phew! Well, I don't really care actually because I am a total non-conformist and don't give two straws about such things ... Speaking of which, I was absolutely astounded to notice that some people actually write for the sake of it ... Yes, they have absolutely nothing to say but they do keep on writing just like that, just to be able to say ' yes, I have a blog, I' m a blogger'! Arghhh .... and, especially, YAWN!!! I am done checking other blogs ... For now.
So what have I been doing? Well, on the work side of things, I made some interesting trips to India and Romania and, for holidays, we made a wonderful tour of Ireland (including Northern Ireland). Excellent! I have already posted lots of pictures on my flickr site but will continue to do so in the near future. Ireland is literally exquisite, such a beautiful place! I loved it!
Today I am off to Maastricht for a three day training course and am actually writing this post in a hurry. I have lots of things to tell you but I don't really think that I have the time now, unfortunately :-( On the bright side of things, though, I feel so inspired and have such an itch to write that I know I will be here soon ....
Now I really have to go ... It's good to be back ... Hey, have you noticed that it's autumn again?
Another fair on my street ...
Yesterday I woke up to an incredible buzz and the sound of strange African music coming from outside ... I was soon to discover that another fair was being held right below my windows ...
So there they were, various people selling absolutely everything - from old dolls and toys to second hand books, DVDs, clothes, old shoes ... well, I don't actually think there was much they weren't selling .... Here are some pictures ...
I am not a big fan of these things because I have never been interested to posses second hand anything but I do understand the curiosity some people have to see what other people may be selling ... And, yes, you may be in for some big surprises!!
Currrently reading ....
My present read is a wonderful, entertaining book 'Hitler and Churchill -Secrets of Leadership' by Andrew Roberts.
I am having an excellent time with it and I find out lots of things I hadn't known about the two leaders and their respective leadership styles ... I recommend it wholeheartedly!
I am having an excellent time with it and I find out lots of things I hadn't known about the two leaders and their respective leadership styles ... I recommend it wholeheartedly!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Maggie
Something wonderful happened this week-end - I got Maggie for almost two days! She is an Australian terrier and I got to 'babysit' her.
Her owners were supposed to go to France on a romantic week-end - this has not happened, but I still got her because they (rightly) thought that I would have been terribly disappointed if I had not got her as promised.
She is cute and smart and loving and sweet and and and ... This week-end has just reminded me how much I miss having a pet. Or more!
And I felt a lot less lonely.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Spring
It’s springtime again and all my anxieties seem to have come back to life to haunt and torment me. I have not been able to sleep well for the last couple of weeks. Have recently begun to sleep curled into a ball again – I fall asleep in this position and wake up in the same, foetus position in the morning. Strangely enough, I have discovered myself almost relieved if I can keep a little light on, in an adjacent room during the night, as if I was afraid of something. I have never really been afraid of dark – was quite a good little girl after the age of two.
I feel strange, ill at ease. I wonder if it’s just spring. Can I blame it on the spring? When I try to closer analyse it, I realise that I can’t really put my finger on it. It’s melancholy, apprehension, yearning, guilt. I have been a bad wife, daughter, friend for quite a while now – it’s a miracle people still contact me. Have been concentrating on work, travelling like crazy and trying not to delve too deep into serious thoughts.
As part of my efforts to refrain from cutting myself off completely from the rest of the world during my free time, I met M on Saturday and we went together to see a movie – “Perfect Stranger” with Bruce Willis and Halle Berry. A psychological thriller, quite entertaining actually. We parted with the promise to repeat the outing soon.
Yesterday I spent more or less the entire day reading Рwhiling away the long Sunday hours ensconced in my bedroom, with my book, a couple of my favourite cornets a la cr̬me to keep me company. And, of course, lots of Turkish coffee.
It seems to have been a great weekend, at a first glance. But appearances can’t fool me any longer - it’s time for the big questions. Hard, difficult questions – where will I be next year, what do I really want to do with my life, where do I want to live? Why can’t I start writing my book yet? Why can’t I just dismiss these thoughts? I could be happy, even if only for a day. Tempting.
This sort of questions were hanging about in my mind last night, almost making me believe it was going to be yet another sleepless night, searching for answers and decipher them one by one. Luckily enough, or not, I was in the Land of Nod before finding answers to them all.
I feel strange, ill at ease. I wonder if it’s just spring. Can I blame it on the spring? When I try to closer analyse it, I realise that I can’t really put my finger on it. It’s melancholy, apprehension, yearning, guilt. I have been a bad wife, daughter, friend for quite a while now – it’s a miracle people still contact me. Have been concentrating on work, travelling like crazy and trying not to delve too deep into serious thoughts.
As part of my efforts to refrain from cutting myself off completely from the rest of the world during my free time, I met M on Saturday and we went together to see a movie – “Perfect Stranger” with Bruce Willis and Halle Berry. A psychological thriller, quite entertaining actually. We parted with the promise to repeat the outing soon.
Yesterday I spent more or less the entire day reading Рwhiling away the long Sunday hours ensconced in my bedroom, with my book, a couple of my favourite cornets a la cr̬me to keep me company. And, of course, lots of Turkish coffee.
It seems to have been a great weekend, at a first glance. But appearances can’t fool me any longer - it’s time for the big questions. Hard, difficult questions – where will I be next year, what do I really want to do with my life, where do I want to live? Why can’t I start writing my book yet? Why can’t I just dismiss these thoughts? I could be happy, even if only for a day. Tempting.
This sort of questions were hanging about in my mind last night, almost making me believe it was going to be yet another sleepless night, searching for answers and decipher them one by one. Luckily enough, or not, I was in the Land of Nod before finding answers to them all.
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